I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
You Might Also Like
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Confused owl: What?!
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it