“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I already tried new things thanks.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
lmfao
This is my pinned tweet
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.