A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now