My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation