Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow