“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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Good morning, Twitter x
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)