My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
You Might Also Like
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’