As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
You Might Also Like
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Hot Hot Hot