Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
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Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles