COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the battle rages on
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.