When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.