Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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One venti cheeseburger please.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?