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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT