detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size