I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice