They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
me linking you to my twitter
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Wait a second…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.