Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle