GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Seems legit
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999