can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
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I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
If you know, you know
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day