Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.