My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Bro what is this
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO