These are too funny not to post 😂
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
These aliens are taking forever.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this