ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.