Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
BETRAYAL
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
How actors in movies eat their food