i made a craigslist ad !
You Might Also Like
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.