an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you