[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
bears
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.