If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
A double negative is a big no-no.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.