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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My love language is hissing.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that