Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
🙂🐾
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house