WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
still the best tweet of the year by far
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?