Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders