I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
You better watch out
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.