We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
You Might Also Like
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.