Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.