My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
yeah 😭
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.