[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.