The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
#Caturday
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad