It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Only Americans understand
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Have a lovely day 😊
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
The game has officially changed 😎
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.