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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The Joker was right
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.