Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate