if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
they should invent a rest for the wicked
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.