Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.