Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
what the
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.