While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Am I having a stroke?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
British websites use biscuits.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My background check bounced.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.