[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime