If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I’m listening
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*puts cutlery down*
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?