My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.