Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.