Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.